A Tale of Two Children: The Mystery of Number Three

I've done it both ways. Our first kid was a mystery baby. The way I saw it, we didn't have any kids so boy or girl, it was going to be wonderful and exciting and new no matter what. I chose to find out with our second. I had done it the other way and wanted to see what I liked better... I don't really regret it because finding out our second would be a boy enabled me to buy some pretty cute boy clothes on Cyber Monday and get my mind around the new gender journey.

Now that we have one of each, and now that I have experienced it both ways, I'm opting to make our third and final baby a surprise. It's my last chance to experience that big mystery and I honestly loved it so much with our first. I also hope to avoid buying baby things this go around and it really helps me say "no" to most of the tempting adorable outfits I can't help but look at.

This being our last baby is making things feel weirder than normal. It's definitely the finality of it. Not just the "last pregnancy" and "last newborn" stuff. It's that four years ago my husband and I had no idea what our family would look like, and in a few short weeks we will know exactly what our family will look like. I have used the term "bittersweet" a million times during this pregnancy. It just keeps being appropriate. And this last baby's gender reveal is one of the many things that fall under that bittersweet umbrella.

We have had a girl name picked out since before we found out our second would be a boy. And we have had a boy name picked out since the beginning of (maybe even before) this pregnancy. Both children have run through my imagination a thousand times. They are both so real to me. I've imagined what it would be like for my son to be sandwiched between two sisters... How he and my husband might have a unique bond as the two dudes of the house. I've spent just as much time imagining another baby boy, rambunctious and mischievous and driving my bonkers. Of course I could have a calm, sweet son but it's hard not to imagine another little boy like the one I already have. In this scenario I would be the one to be my daughter's comrade. We would have "just the two of us" girls days and roll our eyes at the boys' fart jokes.

It's surreal to me that in about 5 weeks, my doctor is going to hold up a brand new baby and my husband and I will KNOW. One of those imaginary children of my mind will suddenly solidify and one will fade away. I have no doubt that I will be equal parts overjoyed and grieving.

I am completely confident in my decision to make this my last baby. I'm both content and exhausted. I have had good fortune in abundance and I have put my body through the ringer. It's time to for me to move on to the next chapter. But it doesn't mean I won't be sad about it. Sad to say goodbye to the never-was and might-have-beens. Sad to let go of the kid I'm already attached to. I'll just have to wait out the grief and fill my heart with all the love for my new baby... whoever it may be.