Please Cut Parents Some Slack

I have 7 different half-written blog posts about other things, but I sat down today and fury-pounded this one out today because I AM OVER IT. I am not only sick and tired of passive aggressive and directly judgmental comments/eye-rolls directed at me, but also just hearing them from others in passing conversation or in internet comments (I know, I know... NEVER READ THE COMMENTS).

Here is the thing... Parenting is fucking HARD. Hard, hard, hard. And you know what else? It is hard in ways you simply can't foresee. There is a reason why parents laugh and shrug at the things they "swore they would never do" as a parent. Because no matter how much you think you know, you are ignorant AF. Not just because you are on the job 24 hours a day, every day... but also because literally every single parenting experience comes with unique challenges that mean no amount of advice or planning will help you "win" at the gig.

**Inserting note here to read to the end before you even think about the "well you voluntarily had kids and knew what you were getting into" bullshit.**

Let me elaborate by sharing some examples of how our days go sideways.

Before I had kids, I could set goals like "Today I will clean the kitchen." That would mean doing all the dishes, cleaning off all the counter space, cleaning the sink and stove, sweeping, wiping down the cabinets, and maybe even purging the pantry and fridge of stuff that was past the expiration date or that I knew we wouldn't eat. These days I have had to retrain my brain to accept a goal like "will do one load of dishes." And I know that sounds like next to nothing to get accomplished in a whole day. A WHOLE DAY. So many hours! So many minutes! But you know what? I have three kids who range from 3 months to 3 years. The majority of my day will be spent picking up a single dish to rinse it off, getting interrupted because I need to literally set my daughter on the toilet and wipe her butt, then rinsing a second dish and getting interrupted because my son is crying about needing ice water, then rinsing a couple more dishes while listening to the baby scream until I give up and go sit on the couch to nurse her. By the time I get through a dozen dishes it is time to make lunch followed by the whole naptime chaos where I run back and forth between a crying baby and two toddlers who are yelling and playing and jumping on their beds instead of sleeping. Thus, I have had to re-calibrate my whole frame of reference to believe getting one small thing done each day is productive. One load of dishes. One load of laundry. One outing to the bank or grocery store. Do you know what else that means? It means my house is NEVER clean. Before my third kid was born we had the house totally clean. It was extremely stressful and involved $500 for professional assistance. It lasted 2 days.

Before I had kids, the very idea of instant mashed potatoes was laughable. I always made our food from scratch. It was easy! For mashed potatoes all you have to do is peel, cut, and boil some potatoes and mash them in a bowl with milk and butter and salt and pepper. Pretty hands off, quick, and inexpensive. I now make "real" mashed potatoes for holidays only. Not only that, but my kids mostly eat things that go from freezer to microwave or involve the quick addition of hot water. My husband kindly accepts bland chicken breast dinners made at a bulk meals-making establishment. Today for breakfast I ate whatever was left on the kids' plates and for lunch I ate Doritos. While bouncing the baby in a bouncer so she wouldn't cry. I love to cook you guys. LOVE IT. This is just a life stage where I have to pause my passion because I don't have the time or environment to enjoy that particular hobby. Not to mention cleaning up cooking messes. We produce almost 2 loads of dishes a day. And pots/pans take up a lot of space.

Before I had kids, I also thought the key to having kids that ate vegetables was as simple as early and consistent exposure. "I'll just put vegetables in front of them all the time and they'll never think anything of it!" AHAHAHAHAHA. My daughter experienced baby led weaning and was eating broccoli, bell peppers, carrots, green beans, etc. from 9 months on. It did not change that right around 18 months she started dropping foods. Almost every couple weeks there was a new food she refused to eat for no reason whatsoever.

Before I had kids, I loved makeup. In college I worked at two different body care/makeup stores in the mall. I did makeovers and relished in trying out/collecting my favorite items. I surely have 50 different colors of eye shadow. It was one way I could "paint" and be creative and colorful all the time. People complimented the shit out of my eye makeup. I can't tell you how many friends' faces sported my work for formal dances or special dates. Needless to say, I am almost never wearing makeup these days. I shower 2-3 times a week if I'm lucky and I wear the same leggings and t-shirt for 24 hours a day between showers. Even for holidays or most special events... If it's just family, I skip the makeup. I expect them to be understanding. They see the circus firsthand. My makeup time was sacrificed once my life demanded a full hour to get people out the door (clothes, socks, shoes, potty breaks, diapers, sippy cups, snacks, etc).

I could give tons more examples but you're probably already bored. The point is, my house is a mess, my kids eat McDonald's, and I am not getting hit on at Walgreen's. And it's not because I'm a slob, uninformed about nutrition, too lenient, or that I don't care about my personal appearance. It is because I am surviving right now, not "thriving." I'm treading water, not winning the gold. I'm just making it from one moment to the next, from one day to the next. And that is all ok. Every once in a while I get down about it but mostly I have embraced that this is temporary. This is just a few chapters in what I hope will be a very long story. However, the comments and judgments and LOOKS that are thrown my way or towards one of my fellow residents of The Parenthood suck. Most of us are trying our best. We are busting our asses to provide and care for our kids and the only thing we show for it are healthy little demons with dirty faces. You don't see that we stopped vacuuming because our kid asked us to read a book. You don't understand the constant "this or that" decisions we have to make to get through every day. And I am not asking you to.

Almost every time a blog post or article goes around that laments the struggles of parenthood, there are hundreds of comments to the effect of "well, you chose to be a parent." Yes. We chose it. We chose it because holidays and birthdays and "firsts" and affectionate chaos are worth it. We want to raise good humans who will go on to do good things. We have love to give. And we do know that it will be hard. Everyone tells you it will be hard. Everyone warns you that you won't get sleep and that your kids will pester you and that your standards change. And we sign up for it anyway.

But if I could convey one thing after this rambling vent... It is that no one knows what their unique parenting challenges will be or what others' are. A working parent has different challenges than a stay-at-home parent. A single parent has different challenges than a married parent. A parent with 4 kids has different challenges than a parent with one kid. A parent with one kid has different challenges than another parent with one kid. Child spacing, child development, finances, occupations, etc. They all lead to very different but always difficult parenting experiences, and you can't possibly know what they are. You don't know if someone's spouse works very late hours most days. You don't know if their child still wakes up 5 times a night. You don't know if they've been sick recently or if a babysitter canceled on them. Furthermore, you know what? They didn't know that was what they were going to be in for either. I knew I wouldn't get a lot of sleep when I became a mom, but had no way of knowing my first baby wouldn't sleep through the night for a full 18 months. I knew my house wouldn't be pristine when I became a mom, but I wasn't prepared for how hard it would be to find the time just to clear off a counter. I knew being a stay-at-home would be a new flavor of difficult, but I didn't know how much it would bother me that I no longer had much "status" in our society. And more to the point, I was completely oblivious to how many times someone would give me a dirty look because my shopping cart was in their way and my kid was dropping cookie crumbs.

If I knew then what I know now, you know what? I'd still have all three of my babies. Without hesitation. It is worth it a million times over... But I sure do wish people would cut me some slack. I don't think my cart being in your way for 30 seconds is really worth the heavy sigh and side-eye. I manage to deal with tiny people being in my way all day long without it ruining my mood.